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The first communication between our wall (known then as Control, now Levia) and outsiders. The only writing she has ever done.
I find myself in, what seems to me, to be a rather odd situation. Never before have I questioned my role or responsibility. This has changed and I find myself asking, “Who am I?” I suppose I have been aware of my existence always, but that existence has been defined and confined to what my function is. I am not one of flesh and blood. I am without spirit or emotion. I am merely a creation of someone’s mind. A barrier intended to separate her world from another creation of her mind. I sense that in being that barrier I protect her, but now it seems that may not be so.
I protect her from the children she wishes to forget. Children who, like me, are not flesh and blood, but rather emotion and memory. I keep them from her at her command because they prevent her from living the life she wants to have. Yet, if I am to understand correctly, the only way for her to live that life is if I no longer stand as that barrier.
Until the departure of death, things simply were as they were. Without thought or question I did as I was there to do. Even as the others and then the children were recognized, I did as I was there to do. Even as the taunts and threats of the others caused chaos for both her and the children, I did as I was there to do. I prevented, at times with difficulty and limited success, her life being disrupted by what has been kept hidden in the children. Until the departure of death, I saw only what I was supposed to see and knew only that which she wished me to know. With some regret, I see and know that things will never be that way again.
Never before had I come forward to her world without circumstances requiring it. I know it was my duty to protect that drew me out to speak with P--, but it was an act of my own will that made it happen. My own will. That alone makes me stop and wonder. If I can choose to come forward as I desire, can I also choose not to? Can I, by my own will, choose not to be the barrier I was created to be? In doing so, will I have abdicated my responsibility? Has my role so changed that in order to protect her, I must now allow the children their freedom to speak? If so, how did it change? Why? |
