06/28/2002

March 4, 1999

Roo (Now named Amelia) was quite talkative this morning. We read stories and, in general, had a nice chat. She asked about my hairdryer. What it was and why was I using it. That was the easy question. She also asked where her parents and siblings were. I didn’t know how to answer that. I told her we’d talk later. I’ll need some help explaining some things to her, for certain.
She is, in fact, scared to talk to anyone but me, however she remembers Charlie and how he had cared for her.
I promised that I would always listen to her but may not always be able to talk to her. She asked why. Another question I didn’t know how to answer.
After we read, I told her that I wished I could hug her but didn’t know how. I told her that the grown-ups she’s scared of right now were my friends and that they loved and cared for her every bit as much as they loved and cared for me. That they had not meant to frighten her. They want to know her and when she can allow it would hug her if she wanted them to.
I told her I was sorry for putting her behind the ‘wall’ and that I liked her. She didn’t respond, but later when I told her I liked her again, she said she liked me too. I don’t know that she’s even aware that I’m the one that put the wall there.
I invited her to visit Dr. P with me. I told her that he was a doctor you talk to, but that only I would talk to him today. If she wanted to listen and watch, she was welcome. She said okay, but somewhere into the drive to Mt. Pleasant she went off to wherever it is they go and I haven’t heard from her since. I was almost disappointed, but she probably wouldn’t have understood any of it anyway.
The appointment went well. Dr. P and I talked about Roo and communicating with her. We talked about Rachel and John and their recent escapades and how I see through my children many of the things I was deprived of as a child. One day I will allow myself to feel grief for those things, but right now I feel grateful and blessed that I can see what I’m doing right with my kids. To know that my sweet, little John can flush a toy and stop up a toilet and not be beaten or screamed at for his curiosity. Or that Rachel can come throw her arms around me and kiss me and not be pushed away. They are loved and cuddled and cared for. They know they are special gifts from God. My precious children do, in fact, have a good mother. There can be no grief in that.
Today has been a good day. Almost too good simply because there have been so few in the last 6 months or so. As tired and cotton-headed as I feel, It’s still good. Maybe it’s because I’ve taken my life and routine back. Maybe it’s partly due to physically being better. Maybe part of the feeling good is in the acceptance of Roo and the others. I certainly don’t feel so out of control knowing I can communicate with them. I am even a little eager to get to know them. Let’s face it, as I get to know them I am getting to know myself. As they learn to trust and love and be loved, I am too. Any healing they experience is my healing too.