2 posts tagged “alters”

just another witless title

07/11/2002

hiding under the darkness of the bedcovers for fear that light would shove these damn icepicks further into my brain... couldn't even listen to music this morning.

there are at least two girls lurking in the shadows, ready, i hope, to begin sharing their stories. most of the years in and out of hospitals are a total blank to me. lots of the highlights are there but the emotion, the sense of having been there, i'm lacking. the more of these bits and pieces that come up and the more of these bits of emotion i feel, the more convinced i am this has a lot to do with my headache. all this stuff boiling beneath the surface and me, in my usual way, keeping it all bottled up and locked in, it's no surprise we have a migraine that won't quit.

see Lyn tomorrow. i think the EMDR is still a good idea if for no other reason than it may trigger the girls in the shadows to talk. if we can open verbal communication we can get somewhere.

we need to before the pain or the cutting begin taking their toll.

Charlie needs the computer again. he's been working from home today. i'm glad he's here but i need to be able to write in hopes of letting off some steam. the timing isn't the best.

marisa

old letters 2

06/28/2002

The first communication between our wall (known then as Control, now Levia) and outsiders. The only writing she has ever done.

I find myself in, what seems to me, to be a rather odd situation. Never before have I questioned my role or responsibility. This has changed and I find myself asking, “Who am I?” I suppose I have been aware of my existence always, but that existence has been defined and confined to what my function is. I am not one of flesh and blood. I am without spirit or emotion. I am merely a creation of someone’s mind. A barrier intended to separate her world from another creation of her mind. I sense that in being that barrier I protect her, but now it seems that may not be so.
I protect her from the children she wishes to forget. Children who, like me, are not flesh and blood, but rather emotion and memory. I keep them from her at her command because they prevent her from living the life she wants to have. Yet, if I am to understand correctly, the only way for her to live that life is if I no longer stand as that barrier.
Until the departure of death, things simply were as they were. Without thought or question I did as I was there to do. Even as the others and then the children were recognized, I did as I was there to do. Even as the taunts and threats of the others caused chaos for both her and the children, I did as I was there to do. I prevented, at times with difficulty and limited success, her life being disrupted by what has been kept hidden in the children. Until the departure of death, I saw only what I was supposed to see and knew only that which she wished me to know. With some regret, I see and know that things will never be that way again.
Never before had I come forward to her world without circumstances requiring it. I know it was my duty to protect that drew me out to speak with P--, but it was an act of my own will that made it happen. My own will. That alone makes me stop and wonder. If I can choose to come forward as I desire, can I also choose not to? Can I, by my own will, choose not to be the barrier I was created to be? In doing so, will I have abdicated my responsibility? Has my role so changed that in order to protect her, I must now allow the children their freedom to speak? If so, how did it change? Why?